A Letter to My Single Friends

When I was a little girl, I was convinced that my life would be perfect, and that I would have everything figured out, when I turned sixteen-years-old. Don’t ask me why sixteen was the perfect age, but it was, in my mind. When I actually turned that golden number, I was so disappointed. I did not have life figured out — I didn’t even have tenth grade figured out! So I looked toward the next goal – college! At every stage in life, I found myself discontent and waiting for the next thing. When I was single, I wanted to be dating. When I was dating, I wanted to be married. Now that I’m married, I want children. Do you see how that works?

Discontent is one of the most prevalent sins. We think, “Surely, I’ll be content when…” Ecclesiastes 5:10 says, “He who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves wealth with his income.” The same can be said with life. We won’t be satisfied with our stage in life until we are satisfied in God. 1 Timothy 6:6-8 says, “Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment.”As my friend Tiffany mentioned in her post that was published on Friday, we tend to compare the highs of singleness with the lows of marriage, and we compare the highs of marriage with the lows of singleness.

I often compare myself to you, my single friends. I wish I had the freedom to travel, to take on extra work, to babysit for a weekend, to just make my own choices without having to consult another person. I wish I could just have a clean house without having to pick up dirty socks. And I wish for peace and quiet, without the background noise of sports games and political commentators. But these are “lows” of marriage that I compare with “highs” of singleness. A friend recently mentioned how difficult singleness is in the same area. You have all these choices in front of you, but no one to help make that decision, and no one to keep you accountable. Both stages of life have highs, and both have lows, and God can use them both.

So, here’s a couple of tips from someone who went through a stage of singleness, but who is now in a stage of marriage.

1. Build a relationship with God.

“Single” you is “married” you. Your flaws don’t magically disappear when you get married. And your good character traits don’t magically blossom. If anything, the things you struggle with in your personal life rear their ugly heads even greater than they have before.

Therefore, it is so, so important to be working on your walk with the Lord right now. In Joshua 1, Moses is preparing Joshua to become the new leader of Israel. This “passing of the torch” represents a huge shift in Joshua’s stage of life. So, what does Moses tell Joshua? “Here, read this book on leadership,” or, “You need to do some self-reflection and determine if you’re ready for this.” No, he tells him in verse 8, “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth. But you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.”

How faithful are you in your personal devotions? What’s your prayer life like? Success in every part of life comes from a solid relationship with the Lord. If you aren’t walking with the Lord now, you will find it hard to walk with Him if/when He sees fit to give you a husband. I never struggled as hard to get in my time with the Lord when I was single as I do now that I’m married. That’s not my husband’s fault, it’s my own. But my desire is now split between my husband and my God.

· Have devotions every single day. Read through the Bible in a year, study a specific verse, look up every time God talks about a specific topic. Whatever it is, intentionally build a relationship with God.

· Pray every day. Pray through the attributes of God alphabetically, pray through your church’s prayer sheet, pray for each of your family members, pray for your future husband (pray that God would show you IF He has a husband for you). A relationship with God is not a one-way street. Communication with Him is just as important as reading His Word.

· Make a plan for accountability. Growth is just easier if it’s alongside another person. And you can encourage them in their growth as well!

2. Use your singleness to serve.

I know people always tell you how much time you have while you’re single. And I know how easy it is to mentally list all the things you have going on. I was single not too long ago; I know how this works. But how much of your mental list is serving the Lord? And how much of it is serving your church family? Don’t get me wrong. You absolutely should enjoy time doing fun things, alone or with other people. But this shouldn’t be your main focus.

Here’s a couple of ideas:

· Volunteer for a children’s program at church

· Visit your church’s shut-ins or those in a nursing home (if those people feel comfortable, with COVID and all…)

· Get together with some other singles or a married couple to provide a meal for visiting missionaries.

· Get together with some other singles or a married couple to invite another family over for a meal.

· Offer to babysit your pastor’s kids so they can get away for a much-needed date night.

· Take a newly-married girl out for coffee (trust me – we need fellowship with other girls just as much as you do!)

· Make a care package for someone in your church who is struggling.

· Invest some time in younger girls (take them out for coffee or invite them over to bake cookies).

3. Build a relationship with God.

“Wait. Wasn’t that point #1?” Yes. But it’s important.

There are two different kinds of single girls. There are the ones who love being single and have no desire to get married. And there are the ones who can’t wait for Mr. Right to get off his turtle (because he’s too slow to be mounted on a white steed) and come find her.

The former sees marriage as a really hard thing, and thinks, “Nope! I’m good! Marriage is too hard, so I’ll just stay single.” Or they look at the married girl who has to talk to her husband about seemingly every decision, and they say, “If I get married, I’ll lose my independence! Why would I want to do that?”

The latter looks at the married girl and sees someone who is blossoming under the love of her husband. “Wow! I wish someone would love me like that! Her husband really values her.” Or they look at the married friend and see that she is never lonely. Singleness is lonely, and they wish for a companion.

Single Girl #1 is comparing the highs of singleness with the lows of marriage. Single Girl #2 is comparing the lows of singleness with the highs of marriage. Both of these approaches are flawed.

· Yes. Marriage is really hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I know that most married women would tell you the same thing. However, it’s also really fun! I get to do life with my best friend!

· Our independence comes within the parameters of God’s Word, not our relationship status. Because I am in Christ, I am free from sin. Independence, in the Biblical sense, can be properly expressed both in marriage and in singleness. Our dreams as women need to be focused on God and doing His will. However, it is true that marriage will change the course of your dreams. And that is a good thing! (Ask me sometime about my crazy pre-marriage dreams!)

· Singleness can be lonely. I won’t deny that. However, marriage can also be very lonely. But as Believers, we have companionship with Christ that doesn’t change based on our relationship status! With God on my side, how can I be lonely? Also, do you have a church family? If so, then you have many companions! God gives us a church to lean on for that human companionship we so desperately need.

· Your relationship status does not affect your value. Your primary identification, if you are saved, is as a child of God. And God sent His only Son to die for you, so that He could adopt you as His daughter. Nothing says love and value like that!

One more thing, I’m sure that many of you are reading this, and keep thinking “But what if God doesn’t have a husband for me? What if He wants me to be single for the rest of my life?” Well, all of these points still have value for you. Some of the most influential people in my life were women who were never married. In fact, every one of the “friends” that I referenced here are single women. And every one of the ideas under the point about using your singleness to serve is something I have seen a single woman do within the last year or so. God uses singleness just as much as He uses marriage, often even more so! But will you let Him use your singleness for His glory? Will your stage of singleness reflect God and make Him big to other people?