A Letter to My Married Friends
Think back to when you were single. For some of you, your post-high school single days may have been short. For others of you, your single days may have endured years or even decades into your adult life. Needless to say, you are no longer single, and I imagine marriage has changed you significantly and, hopefully, for the better.
As the years tick by, friendships grow and change. People come and go as you march through the different stages of life. I am writing to you as a friend who is still in the season of singleness. I could recount numerous comical stories of uncomfortable or awkward situations. Sometimes people are clearly uncertain as to how to interact with me just because I’m single. I have even had married friends express to me that sometimes they don’t know whether or not to invite me to events because I might feel left out coming as a single.
Today I would like to offer several ideas on how to meaningfully minister to your single friends. Let me begin by noting that I recognize that the following struggles are not exclusive to singles. Married ladies can face all these same difficulties in their own circumstances, and my intent is not to minimize your difficulties. I simply want to aid you in relating to your single friends more effectively. Also, I don’t pretend to speak for all single ladies. God has created people with a broad variety of personalities, giftings, and life experiences. Just as all married women are not the same, all single women are not the same. Creativity and honest communication are encouraged in applying these points within your friendships.
1. Don’t compare the lows of marriage with the highs of singleness.
Of course, the converse of this statement is also true. Singles should not compare the lows of singleness with the highs of marriage. Both marriage and singleness are gifts from the Lord and should be stewarded in a Christ-honoring way.
One “high” of singleness is time. A single’s time can be quite flexible, as she is only responsible for her own schedule. However, sometimes others assume that because a lady is single, she is available. The assumption is that she doesn’t have a family to rush home to, so she should be willing to give of the abundance of her time to meet their perceived needs, be it babysitting, church ministries, yard work, errand running, hospital visits, etc. While it is true the responsibilities of a single may pull her in fewer directions, a single person is also responsible for everything in her life. She works a full-time job and cares for her home and does any and all shopping and manages her finances and maintains her car and is responsible for filing taxes and participates in her local church aaaand…………you get the idea. In a married household there are more balls to juggle, as it were, but there are also more hands to juggle them. Please be sensitive to not burning out singles by weighing their time as less valuable than your own.
Helpful ideas:
Ask a single for help without using unhelpful phrases like, “Since you’re single I’m sure you’d have time to do such and such,” or “I asked you first because I’m sure you have the time to take care of this.”
Instead say, “Would you be available to help with such and such?”
Also, the further in advance you ask, the easier it is to schedule your request in.
Another “high” of singleness may be the independence factor. My friends often tease me about all of my travels with comments such as, “I wish I could travel like you do,” or “It must be nice to just get up and go anytime you want without having to consult a spouse.” To be honest, yes. Yes, it is. The downside lies in not having anyone to travel with. Adventures like hiking, eating out, visiting new places, mission trips, road trips, overseas travel, shopping, or even simply relaxing and watching a movie are there for the taking. The hurdle is finding someone to enjoy those things with. I am adventurous, yet it is somewhat daunting to always have to be the initiator. For safety reasons, there are many things I ought not do alone or wouldn’t enjoy alone.
Helpful ideas:
Invite a single to sit with your family at church so she doesn’t have to sit alone.
Add “friend money” as a line item in your budget so you can go out with a friend and not stress the budget.
Budget a window of time to pray, walk, or grab coffee with a single friend.
Invite a single out to dinner with your family or invite multiple singles to get together for an outing or hike.
Schedule a girls’ night that mixes married and single ladies and go out together.
2. Unsolicited input and invited counsel are not the same thing.
The church lobby is a very interesting place. I love my church dearly, but it will come as no surprise when I tell you that my church is comprised of sinners saved by grace. I am blown away each time the following occurs: some well-intentioned person (with whom I am not necessarily close) will start a conversation with something like, “So, are you seeing anyone these days?” When I promptly respond with a simple, “No, not right now,” they say, “That’s so surprising! You are such a great girl. Well, don’t worry. God has someone out there just for you. I’m sure you’ll find him soon.” Inevitably I stand there wondering how said person knows that there is someone out there for me and that they will come along soon. Do you see what I mean?
Although statistically speaking many people do marry at some point in their lives, it can be more harmful than helpful to make such comments. The truth is that only the Lord knows when and if there is someone out the for the single and, if so, the timing of their relationship.
Helpful ideas:
Instead of asking a single about romantic relationships, ask her about her spiritual walk. The greatest bond you have with her is that you are both in Christ.
Concerning invited counsel, please remember that singles have no spouse to bounce ideas off of or hash things out with. As a good friend of mine says, “Alone we think stupid.” Godly counsel is crucial for every believer. I have a handful of friends whose counsel I seek out concerning my affairs. I am so thankful for their godly wisdom and willingness to take the time to speak truth into my life. However, we have that kind of relationship because they have shown that they care about me personally and are interested in my life.
Helpful ideas
In a godly way, be transparent concerning your struggles. If she opens up in return, take the opportunity to speak truth to one another.
Wait to be asked for advice instead of assuming that you can “fix” a single person’s problems.
3. “If you want to serve Jesus, stay single. If you want to be like Jesus, get married.”
This third point is a quote from Gary Thomas’ book Sacred Marriage. I hope it struck you similarly to how it struck me. The aforementioned book has come highly commended to me. As I traveled from NC to PA for Thanksgiving, I listened to the audio book. Inwardly I rejoiced at the first sentence, smugly thinking to myself, “Exactly! Singleness is a huge asset, not a liability.” Upon hearing the second sentence, I laughed out loud. Marriage may well be the most sanctifying reality in your life. Single gals do not undergo the relational extremity that wives do. I can only imagine the sanctifying work marriage can produce in those striving to evidence the biblical picture. I am aware that my life as a single allows me opportunities for Kingdom building that are not afforded to married ladies (and, of course, vice versa).
When you marry these two ideas (pun intended), it can actually look like discipleship. God’s way does not come naturally to fallen people. God has given His people three vital resources: His Word, His Spirit, and His body. I have learned so much from the examples of my married friends. Should God ever provide a spouse for me, I know that what I have learned from them will be invaluable.
Helpful ideas:
Welcome a single into your home and allow her to observe and learn from your family relationships.
When appropriate, challenge a single on how well she is doing in using her time and talents to serve the Lord.
I realize that no one intentionally sets out to take advantage of or offend a single with their questions, assumptions, or advice - but it happens. I hope these few suggestions will help you as you seek to bless and encourage the singles in your life. Singleness is God’s gift to some, and those sheep are as valuable to a flock as married ones. Let’s encourage and build them up in the faith just as we would anyone else! You won’t regret the investment!
