Loving That Man of Yours
Although I was saved as a little girl, my personal walk with the Lord did not actualize until I was two years into my marriage and expecting our first child. My desire was to be the kind of parent that taught her children biblical principles and had all the answers from the Bible for their life’s
problems. I wanted them to obey the Lord and not just “because I said so!” My desires led me to purchase some good Christian books on parenting. What I discovered from every book I read on motherhood is that in order to be a godly mother, I needed to be a godly wife.
My relationship with my husband seemed absolutely fine, but after purchasing more books and studying God’s Word concerning my responsibilities as a wife, I realized I needed to work on that first. I am proud to say that after 25 years of marriage - I have NOT perfected the art of being a godly wife. I have learned a lot along the way though!
God is very specific about biblical roles for men and women in marriage. Much of my counseling with struggling wives has a great deal to do with not understanding or reversing their God-given responsibilities in marriage.
-God has called each husband to work and provide for his wife (Gen. 3:17-19).
-A husband is to love his wife (Eph. 5:25, 28; Col. 3:19; 1 Pet. 3:7).
-A husband is to lead in his marriage and family (Gen. 1:28; 3:16; Eph. 5:22-24; Col.
3:18.)
I could spend pages writing about the roles of a wife, but let’s look at them briefly.
1. A wife is to help her husband.
Genesis 2:18 describes the woman as a “help meet,” which is the Hebrew word ‘ezer. Every other reference in the Bible that uses this Hebrew word only describes God as our helper (Ps. 33:20; 121:1-2; 124:8; 146:5). Although God can aid and help in ways far beyond our capacity, what an honor and privilege it is to share this title with our Heavenly Father.
The woman was created to fulfill a need in man (1 Cor. 11:8-9). Claudia Barba, in her book The Role of a Lifetime, wrote, “The woman was created to bring God glory by helping and assisting the man. This is the reason she was made; the earthly definition of her existence. You can accept it or reject it, but the text is clear. The male female combination, this powerful and perfect, united couple, has a job to do.....a job neither could do alone.”
2. A wife is to submit to her husband.
This has been a problem since Eve was tempted in the Garden. We know Adam was with her when she ate the forbidden fruit because once she took a bite, she gave some to Adam (Gen.
3:6). Eve acted upon her own accord without consulting with Adam or submitting to his leadership. A common problem for women today was true then, that if the husband is not taking the initiative to lead, the wife willingly takes control causing a role-reversal. God’s design has always been for wives to submit themselves unto their own husbands, as unto the Lord (Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18). Passivity of the husband is frustrating in marriage, but wives need to go to great lengths to make sure they do not contribute to it by emasculating him and impatiently taking control. A wife needs to encourage her husband’s leadership by her submission and not discourage him if a wrong decision is made. Ultimately our trust is in a righteous, sovereign God. Even if decisions turn out to be disastrous, our Heavenly Father will still take care of our needs.
3. A wife is to respect and love her husband.
“And the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:33; Col. 3:18). How do we show respect to our husbands? Do you listen to him intently without interrupting? Do you prefer him over others, and build him up with your words? Do you show your appreciation for all that he does? Do you try to be a help to him and applaud him for his efforts? Are you critical of his actions and degrade him to others? This is a man you chose to marry. What does it say about you when you disrespect him?
Titus 2:4 admonishes older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands. The love we are to show is agape love, a self-sacrificing, giving of ourselves for the benefit of our husband without thought of return. Showing love to our husbands is motivated by our desire to please God by being obedient to His Word. Withholding love from our husbands - for any reason - is sinful and does not please God.
We hear this passage read all the time at weddings, and yet I think most of us take it for granted. Instead of internalizing and applying the message of 1 Corinthians 13, we admire it as beautiful, flowery words meant for newlyweds. Actually, this passage was not written for married couples, but Paul was writing to the Corinthian church concerning spiritual gifts (1 Cor. 12-14). He is emphasizing the necessity of love to exercise our spiritual gifts. As believers, we are obligated to love others, and Paul gives us guidelines as to what that love looks like. We should exhibit love to all others (our neighbors, Matt. 22:39) in this way, not just our husbands. (I have broken this passage down in the worksheet “Self Sacrificing Love,” which should help you understand what God expects when we make the decision to love our husbands.)
In her book, A Woman’s High Calling, Elizabeth George reminds us, “We are to love our husbands as a best friend, as someone we enjoy being with. To spoil him. To think of him. To pray for him. To encourage him. To welcome him. To nurture a deep friendship with him.”
God is still working on me in the area of being a godly wife, but as I said earlier, I have learned a few things along the way. For example, I have learned to:
• Pray for my husband to lead, to walk with the Lord, to provide, to love our family, to resist temptation, for his reputation and responsibilities, and all the other little things that come up.
• To have a home that is clean, warm, and inviting, with good meals and organization, so even if his work is hectic and chaotic, he will look forward to coming home to a peaceful, loving home that is a safe haven from the rest of the world.
• To get up with him in the morning and see him off to work. Always kiss him good-bye and then greet him at the door when he comes home with another kiss. I ask him how his day was, instead of unloading my day on him immediately.
• To stay healthy and keep my appearance. Sometimes that means changing out of my sweat pants and putting on make-up before he comes home. I want him to be pleased to see me, and my efforts show him I care.
• To ask him if there are things I can do for him that day or week to be a help. I will do some of his chores if he is busy. I work alongside him in ministry. I find ways to spoil him, and try not to nag him.
• Notice him, compliment him, brag about him, thank him and celebrate his accomplishments. I pay attention to him and learn about him. I try to take interest in things he likes.
• I never agree to anything without consulting with him first. I go to him to discuss decisions and submit to his final answer. I let him know what is happening with me and the kids to keep him informed.
• I make him his favorite meals and treats. I ask for his preferences and consider him in all my plans, but I also give him some space.
• I try to smile at him a lot and say “I love you” several times a day. I hold his hand and cuddle as we watch a movie, showing him as much affection as I can.
A friend once reminded me that if I am not willing to do these things for my husband, someone else might be. That’s something to think about.
In whatever ways the Lord leads you to be a loving, godly wife, make sure you allow God’s Word to influence the way you are to treat your husband. Guard your heart from worldly influence. It is not the world’s way to esteem others better than themselves, or to look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others (Phil. 2:4-5). The world’s philosophy is not self-sacrifice, but rather self-fulfillment, being more concerned about what they get out of a relationship than what they give. As a Christian woman, let that not be your mantra.
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. (Rom. 12:2)
More Truth
1. Review “Self-Sacrificing Love” to apply this passage to your marriage, in other relationships, or just people in general. Make a list of ways you can “put on” the positives and ways you need to “put off” the negatives.
2. Need some ideas for Valentine’s Day or any day? Here is a list of 26 Valentine’s Day ideas.
3. I was challenged at a couples retreat once to take a month and write one thing a day about why I love my husband. I did and then shared it with him on a date night. He appreciated it greatly!
4. Pray for God to show you opportunities to love others and to be able to love others the way God loves us.
5. Recommended Books
A Wife after God’s Own Heart – Elizabeth George
The Excellent Wife – Martha Peace
Helper by Design – Elyse Fitzpatrick
Ribbing Him Rightly – Beneth Peters Jones