Do You Take This Man?
On August 12, 1995, my husband and I stood in the presence of God and before our friends and family to pledge our love and commitment to each other. We said our vows, we made our promises, and we sealed it with a kiss. We’ve just celebrated our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary! When posed with the question of whether we will ever renew our vows, my husband has the same response: “No, I meant them the first time.” I am glad he did!
Just last week, on our vacation, our oldest son Bryce proposed to his girlfriend of four and a half years. We were shocked to hear our future daughter-in-law announce that she was the ninth person in her class to get engaged this summer. In fact, we have seen many friends and family members get engaged this summer. I am wondering if this is yet another phenomenon we can blame on Covid-19. Needless to say, we are thrilled for Bryce and Abby, and for the distraction from the mess of this world. This happy occasion has helped to make things seem “normal” in our upside down lives right now.
The milestone of our 25th wedding anniversary and the engagement of our son have gotten me thinking about the wedding vows that I said many years ago, as well as the ones to be repeated soon by my son. Although there have been so many engagements throughout this pandemic, there has also been so much marital discord. Close quarters, decreased resources, financial problems, little stress relief, lack of church attendance, and so forth have challenged many marriages.
Because of the pressure placed on marriages at this time, I thought it might be a good time to reflect on those vows and the importance of continuing to honor them. Although wedding vows are not written out for us in God’s Word, they are based on biblical principles. Our vows are a life-long covenant with God to love and care for the man that stands before us at the altar. Vows are not a contract, because contracts are self-serving and based on distrust. Our traditional wedding vows are a reflection on our understanding of God’s design for marriage. “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.” (Matt. 19:6) Most of what is written concerning vows is recorded in the Old Testament. The Biblical principles regarding vows should be understood and practiced not just on our wedding day, but throughout our marriage.
Numbers 30:1-2 speaks to the importance of keeping a vow or promise that one makes to the Lord. Moses is speaking to the heads of the tribes concerning the Lord’s commands regarding vows.
“If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.” (Num. 30:2)
The point of this passage was not to specify the types of vows or how they were to be carried out, but rather the importance of keeping a vow. The sobriety of making a vow or promise to God should not be taken lightly or made hastily, as Solomon warns in Ecclesiastes. If you have made a vow with the Lord, then He expects you to keep it and not be as a fool who had no intention of keeping his vow (Ecc. 5:4). Vows should not be uttered just because it is expected in a religious ceremony, such as a wedding. You are making a pledge with your living, heavenly Father who hears you and holds you to your words. Much prayer needs to be made before considering entering a marriage relationship and becoming “one flesh.” If you cannot honestly say these vows with every intention of keeping them, then heed Solomon’s words:
“Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.” (Ecc. 5:5)
Whether you have been married for many years or just a few, it is always good to review the vows you pledged to God concerning your husband. When times are rocky, your marriage is in a rut, or if you are going through a crisis of some sort in your marriage, there is no time like the present to recommit yourself to God and to your spouse to carry out your vows. Those who are married probably said words similar to these:
"I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. This is my solemn vow.”
Let’s consider what these vows look like in real life.
“To have and to hold” is a commitment of giving yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and
spiritually over to this man. You are free to be vulnerable with each other and to enjoy each other intimately. You are committed to being the kind of person your husband can be secure with, one he can trust with his thoughts, experiences, and emotions. This is the man with whom you can let go of your inhibitions and learn each other’s preferences and desires. He is yours, and you are his (1 Cor. 7:3-4). His is the most important relationship to you on this earth,“from this day forward.”
“For better or for worse” indicates that there will be difficult times in your marriage. You will experience highs and lows, so take off your rose-colored glasses and release the fairytale romance you have only seen in the movies. There will be good, even great times in your marriage, but it is unrealistic to expect that to be the norm. Marriage is work, but if you are committed to lift each other up, support each other’s dreams, strengthen the other’s weaknesses and encourage their strengths, then you are able to handle the “worse”when it comes. You have made a commitment to not jump ship when things get hard (Rom. 13:9-21).
“For richer or for poorer” tells us that finances are a big part of a marriage relationship. Finances and communication are killers of marriage, which is why it is so important to practice good communication about finances. You are in this together, whether a job loss or job promotion, whether financial gain or financial loss, whether starting a business or experiencing a business failure. We are to walk alongside our spouse, doing all that we can to have a healthy financial relationship. That may mean that you will cut coupons, shop sales, eliminate frivolous spending, make a budget, pay off debt, destroy credit cards, and consent with each other before making big purchases. Marriages tend to ebb and flow with finances as well, and we need to be committed to weathering the storm together, whether you are eating hot dogs and mac and cheese or filet mignon. Having little or having much both come with their own set of challenges, but you have pledged to stay together through it all. (Phil. 4:11-13; 1 Tim. 6:6-10)
“In sickness and in health” includes times of peak physical wellness all the way to terminal illness. I remember the first time my husband got the flu. I wanted to care for him the way my mom cared for me when I was sick, constantly attending to his needs. He hated that! We are very different people when it comes to dealing with sickness, but one thing is for sure - we have had to deal with sickness, even both of us at the same time. Our vow is to not abandon our spouse through difficult times of sickness, when it takes a toll on us physically and emotionally. We are to hang in there and look to God for the strength and endurance we need. This is our partner for life, and it should be our desire to meet his needs in whatever state he is in, from a minor cold to cancer. If you or your husband is afflicted with a terrible illness, remember that it is God’s will, and with His will comes the grace to persevere (Eph. 5:21-33).
“To love and to cherish” seems so easy - until the feelings of love fade. Love is the glue that holds all of the other vows together, if understood properly. It is frustrating to hear people say, “I fell out of love.” No, you didn’t. You are simply choosing not to love. Your vow is to love your husband in such a way that you give yourself willingly and sacrificially for his benefit, without thought of return. To cherish him means that you honor him, attend to him, notice him, respect him, consider him, and make him your priority (1 Cor. 13:4-7). It should be your desire to outdo his affection for you (Rom. 12:10). There are no conditions that accompany this vow. You are not telling the Lord, “I will if he will.” You have promised to love and cherish your husband, regardless of his response.
“Till death do us part” excludes the possibility of finding a loophole to release you from this commitment. Coming from similar backgrounds of having divorced parents, my husband and I desired for our marriage to be loving and lasting. Knowing the difficult times we experienced as kids, we did not want our children to suffer in the same way. We made a pact with each other to never use the word “divorce,” even in our most difficult disagreements. Those words have never passed the threshold of our lips (Mal. 2:16). We are committed to work anything out by any means possible. So many marriages fail when it comes to this vow. This is God’s design, and by making this vow, we have accepted God’s plan for marriage. When a marriage is prioritized according to God’s will, and both persons are dedicated to living out these vows, it should also be their desire to grow old with the one they put the ring on.
Marriage is troublesome at times, just with everyday circumstances. But then you throw in a pandemic, world unrest, high tensions, building anxiety, looming uncertainty, rising stress, and abounding pressure, and life can seem unmanageable. Marriages are overwhelmed with burdens, and spouses are at odds. Now is the time to be focused on God’s “one flesh” design and our marriage vows. Let's make sure to let no man put us asunder.
More Truth
1. Recommended books - there are a lot of good books out there on marriage, I know. These are just a few of my favorites:
Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? By Gary Thomas
Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage by Gary Thomas
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman
2. The desire to keep our vows is motivated by our obedience to God’s Word. Our motivation must be right before our actions can be right. Stay continually in prayer for your marriage and your everyday decisions in order to remain true and loyal to your vows in your marriage.
3. I have included a list of things that you can do to show love for your husband as a way to jump start your creativity again.