Widowhood: More than Grief

Today’s topic is one many shy away from. Few women want to think about widowhood, and many women (and their husbands) don’t plan for it. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and unpleasant. And, when we see another widow, we don’t want to entertain the thought, “It can happen to me.”

Does it surprise you that approximately 2800 women in the US will lose a spouse today?

Widowhood grants membership in a club a woman never wanted to join. She gains first-hand experience she never sought. It is rated number one as the most stressful life event. (The Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory) https://www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory

The United Nations launched International Widows Day to raise awareness of the needs and plight of widows and their families globally, nationally, and locally. It’s not a popular day, and perhaps until today, you hadn’t heard about it, yet it has been observed annually on June 23 since 2010.

Did you know?

• There are nearly 14 million widows in the United States.

• The average age of a widow in the United States is 58.

• There are an estimated 258 million widows around the world, and nearly one in ten live in extreme poverty.

• 585,000 children are directly affected by the loss of a father.

• When you serve a bereaved widowed mom, you are also serving a bereaved fatherless child.

• There are an estimated 2 million new widows worldwide from COVID19 -a widow-maker. The number is likely to grow with the coronavirus continuing and its related effects on health.

• In some countries, widows have no rights or assistance and are shunned. https://heart-for-widows.org/widows-in-india/

• 70% of married women become widowed.

• In the US, widows incur financial challenges. They will receive whichever social security amount is larger - their’s or their husband’s - even though they paid into the system. In other words, one social security account evaporates.

Most widows in the US do not face the severe social and economic struggles women in other countries do. But some widows in the US are at poverty level, and 49% of 14 million US widows earn less than $25K per year. Yes, some are financially independent. Financial status is just one aspect of widowhood.

Grief, loss, and widowhood are not categorized or measured by dollar signs or age.

Widowhood is more than grief and the loss of a husband. A woman’s life changes:

· Emotionally—physical touch, affection, and mutual decision making have evaporated.

· Relationally—she becomes a single in a couple’s world; friends disappear. New friends emerge who don’t share a history and perhaps never knew her husband.

· Physically— she has double work in the same twenty-four hours - an ingredient for fatigue and stress. Grief takes its toll on health.

· Spiritually—brain fog disturbs even the simplest Bible reading. Even in churches, widows don’t fit in their previous couples groups.

· Communication—she moves from “we” and “us” to singular pronouns, “I” and “me.”

Despite being a large number in our population (and with the boomer generation, the number will grow), widows may be overlooked in society and are often on the periphery in groups. Our culture is a Noah’s Ark culture, where much is geared to couples, including the advantage of filing joint US tax returns.

One friend told me recently that she went out to dinner with two couples who had been life-long friends. They had to wait thirty minutes for a table, and one of the men commented, “Finding a table for five is hard.” My friend did all she could to fight back tears and not leave.

Along with widowhood, a woman is thrown into unfamiliar tasks she never did before, such as home repairs, finances, and auto maintenance. Grief muddies her thinking, and it is challenging to learn new skills.

One deacon in my former church had the insight to ask if I needed help at my home as the season changed and I faced new tasks. When I share that story with other widows, it seems to be an exception. With resourcefulness and humility, my friends have googled information, watched YouTube videos, and asked each other for help.

Yet, in all of this, widowhood is not overlooked Biblically.

• In His suffering on the cross and near death, Jesus sought care for his widowed mother. (Jn. 19:26-27).

• James addresses caring for orphans and widows in the New Testament as a sign of pure religion. (Jas. 1:27).

As a reader, how will you respond?

· Do you know a widow who could benefit from a phone call, or meeting for lunch or coffee? We sometimes remember a widow on the anniversary of her husband’s passing or on a holiday, but every day is a day of loss. Do you shy away from widows or are you reluctant to say their husband’s name or share a memory?

· If you are a woman who asks her husband to “do” something—take bins from the attic, buy tires for her car, climb a ladder to change air filters—remember that a woman alone isn’t exempt from those tasks and needs.

· Do you know a widow with children? Does she need help transporting kids to activities or a break just to head out shopping without children? Does she have financial needs?

· Ask what you can do specifically. A widow will rarely respond to the invitation, “Call me if you need anything.”

· Perhaps you want to look into supporting widows in war-torn and impoverished countries.

The prophet Isaiah seems to cover our response inclusively:

“Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.” (Is. 1:17)

I invite you to pray as to how you can be part of that mission as you “Think Bible.”

And if you learned something new today or can share, as a widow, an additional insight, please comment. I’d love to hear from you.