Lessons From Trials: A Journey Through Miscarriage
“Suspected Missed Miscarriage.”
My heart stopped as I saw those words being typed on the computer screen.
It was December. I should have been seven weeks along with our precious little peanut. I was so sure when I’d booked this appointment that I would see a heartbeat, get to watch our baby wiggle a little bit, and be assured that everything was perfect.
Instead, I was told that our little one had likely passed away a couple weeks earlier. My head swam as I desperately tried to focus on the words the doctor was saying:
“…come back in a week for another scan to be sure…”
“…one in four pregnancies ends in loss…”
“…nothing you could have done…”
“…so sorry.”
I felt numb. Surely this wasn’t happening. We had been so excited, and there had been no indication that anything would go wrong. I’d even had weird food cravings and morning sickness!
I was in my car before it really set in what was happening. I called my husband and finally let the tears flow. He didn’t even need me to say a word to know that something was terribly wrong. “Come home. Just come home, and we can talk about it when you get here.”
When I got home, my husband didn’t say a word. He just held me tightly while both of us cried. Then, when we felt our tears were gone, he talked to our Heavenly Father.
Together, we told God that we had already promised to trust Him. We’d already given our baby over to Him when we found out we were pregnant. But we desperately needed His help to make the choice to trust Him - even when our worst nightmare was coming true.
God chose to answer that desperate plea. Even when, a week later, we were told that our baby was, for sure, no longer alive. Even when, at what should have been ten weeks of pregnancy, my body finally caught up and started miscarrying. Even when I ended up in the ER after passing out from blood loss. Even then, our gracious Father carried our hearts, and He helped us to trust Him.
We learned several things from this trial that I don’t think we would have learned in the same way otherwise.
1. We learned how much God loves us. Never, not in a million years, would I have chosen to give up my baby. I had only known that I was pregnant for three weeks before I learned that we had lost him or her. However, in those three weeks, I grew to love that little one with all my heart. I would have done anything to protect him.
God knew Jesus for eternity. In fact, the Father and the Son are one! Their bond is one that we can never understand. And yet, God willingly sent Jesus to die because He loves me so much that He was not willing that I should die. What wondrous love is this!
2. We learned that God is a God of peace. In a circumstance like the one through which we were going, we should not have had peace. When I was in the ER, IVs sticking out of both arms, weaker than I have ever been in my life, I should not have had peace. When I heard the doctor mention transfusion, my first thought was, “I should be really scared. I could possibly die. But all I feel is peace.”
A lesson that I've spent a lot of my life learning, is that God's character applies to every circumstance. The better we know God, the better we can trust Him! Isaiah calls the Messiah the Prince of Peace. And He truly was that for us. Peace is not a product of circumstances; peace comes from knowing who God is!
3. We learned that God gives joy. I told my husband only a couple of days after we lost our baby, that I was learning something about choosing joy: “Joy is not the absence of sadness, and it does not come from a lack of suffering, but it’s rather the choice to trust God and rejoice in Him in spite of sadness and suffering.”
4. We learned the importance of Godly music. Several songs remained on repeat in our house, in our car, at work, etc. in the weeks and months following our miscarriage. Sometimes music can express what your heart cannot. It expresses the pain in our hearts, while helping us to fill our minds with the truth of God’s Word and His character. We chose to renew our minds with truths like:
• “God never moves without purpose or plan.”
• “I’ll never forsake you.”
• “I run to Christ when torn by grief.”
• “Oh, let Your will be done in me; In Your love I will abide.”
• “Lead me on, loving Shepherd, I rest in all You are. Keep my gaze on only You, Lord; strengthen now my fainting heart.”
• "I believe every tear is caught up by a faithful God."
• “My promise is faithful though now it is painful.”
5. We learned the importance of our church family. Miscarriage is a personal thing, and I do not want to tell people that we did things right, or that there’s only one way to handle it, because that is not true. However, we chose to tell our church family about what was going on. In the weeks between finding out our baby was gone and actually miscarrying and in the weeks following the miscarriage, our church took amazingly good care of us.
The Lord allowed me to be in the nursery with a godly friend who had walked this road before us. She was an incredible encouragement to get my mind off of myself and onto my Savior. While most of our church was under the preaching of our pastor, I learned from the sweet teaching of my friend.
Several ladies in our church brought us meals. Our pastor’s wife called and left me a sweet voicemail that, while it made me cry, also helped to heal a little bit of my heart. A long-time family friend delivered a package from my mom, since my family was too far away to comfort in-person. Another sweet friend took me out to coffee with the express purpose of listening. So many people told us they were praying for us.
On Mother's Day, I was so humbled when several ladies in my church texted me to wish me a happy Mother's Day. They chose to acknowledge my baby and the fact that I am a mother. They continue to pray for me and encourage me even months later. I'm so grateful for their sweet, gentle, loving friendship.
At one point, my husband told me (and I agree!), “We’ve loved our church since we joined, but I never realized how much they loved us!” To say these people are our family is an understatement!
6. We learned the importance of serving. While it is very much true that we needed time alone to process everything that was going on, and while we definitely needed to take care of ourselves and allow ourselves to grieve, we are still so thankful the Lord didn’t allow us to wallow in our sorrow for very long. The day we were told our baby’s heart had stopped beating, an unsaved friend called, needing to talk to someone about some very hard circumstances in her life at that moment. It was good for me to set aside my own suffering and minister to the heart of someone who needed Christ. The Lord allowed me to talk of His gospel to someone who had not yet heard it!
Later, the Lord had a close friend call me. I think it was her intent to comfort me in my sorrow, but we also talked about some of the hard things she and her husband were walking through at that time. Together, we encouraged each other in the Lord.
Also, several months earlier, my husband had been asked to speak in Sunday School. Those two weeks happened to fall right after we lost our baby. God placed it on his heart to just share how God was using this time of trial to teach us. In fact, my husband’s outline was very similar to my points in this post. In those two lessons, his desire was not to put a spotlight on us, but to take an opportunity to give God a little more glory out of our broken hearts.
God used these opportunities to encourage other people as a healing balm for our hearts. In the process of choosing to show Christ to others, Christ showed Himself to us. It’s kind of neat how, in the middle of what could have been a self-centered wallowing in grief, God used service to others as a tool to grow us in unique ways.
So, while miscarriage is not something I would ever choose, I’m incredibly thankful for the lessons God taught us. I hope our story encourages you a little bit to meditate on God’s love for you, to thank Him for the peace only He can give, and to choose to live joyfully in the promise that, one day, we will never have to face suffering again!
