Pain: Life With a Chronic Illness
Dear friend,
Stephanie several months ago asked me to write a testimony for her blog. Initially, I was excited to write, but as God continued to bring the same topic back to mind, I had less and less excitement. What was the topic? Pain. Many of us shy away from talking about pain (duh – it’s painful). We either don’t want to hurt anyone further, or we don’t want to help. However, Christ’s example teaches that we can’t escape pain or go around pain to either learn a lesson or get a reward. We have to go through the pain or help others through the pain. Why? The Bible shows us that pain leads to suffering and suffering leads to growing (in Christlikeness, hopefully). When we shy away from talking about pain then, there is no learning from experience and teaching others about the process of pain to suffering to growth in Christlikeness.
For years I have been suffering with an invisible chronic illness. I know pain – not as some of you know pain, but to my degree, I know pain. I know what it’s like when someone says, “I hope you feel better soon,” and your heart cringes inside as you smile and say, “Thank you.” I know emotional pain, social pain, physical pain, and mental pain. Below are some steps that I have taken to help me walk through the dark valley of pain and a “letter” that I wrote to a close friend (a safe friend) on the thoughts of having a chronic illness.
Have quiet times: this includes having your devotional time on a daily basis (I do mine in the morning so that I show God He is a priority in my life – and so I don’t forget it). This also includes time for a wind-down at the end of the day.
Have safe people: I currently have five safe people outside of my immediate family. These safe people know what is going on in my life – from physical flare-up days to times when my mind and emotions would like to take me down the wrong paths. These are the people who look me in the eyes and expect me to tell them the truth, not just generic answers. They are the people who understand why I disappear to lie down. They are the people who God brings across my path at just the right time in the day to either make sure I’m still breathing (and have my inhaler), to tell me not to worry or overthink, or to ask me how I am doing.
Have right thoughts/emotions: Pain complicates pretty much anything and everything. When you then have emotions that try to take control of your thoughts (and sometimes succeed), watch out! The most recent lesson that I am learning is to not let emotions or emotional thoughts control me. Psalm 91 has several instances the psalmist says not to fear (emotion). God has given us emotions for a reason – but that reason is not to control us. Use emotions in a right way; don’t let them use you.
The following are my thoughts on chronic illness. May it either encourage you or open your eyes to what some people have the opportunity to experience.
Living life with a chronic (invisible) illness and being a follower of Jesus, my King:
Hope
Being a follower of Jesus my King gives me hope. Now, this hope is not always “grasp-able,” but it is a firm hope because my King reigns on the throne, and one day I will be with Him. While I am on this earth, He sends His love to me, sometimes through visible answered prayer, sometimes through thanksgiving, and sometimes through people who do not give up on me (or let me give up on myself) and are true examples of trustworthy messengers of the King.
Example
There are others in this world who live with a chronic illness who do not know my King. Therefore, I have the ability to be an example to those around me – for I do not know the difficulties/experiences that God is taking them through to draw them unto Himself. This does not mean that I will be perfect, because there will be days that I will be far from perfect (sometimes due to my sinful flesh and sometimes due to my earthly flesh that is failing). However, I do have the esteemed privilege of portraying my King’s grace, mercy, etc. to those around me as an example of what my King can do.
Knowledge
Much physical knowledge is gained due to the issue of trying to solve and/or live with a chronic illness. This knowledge can be a tool to minister to others for my King.
Living life with a chronic (invisible) illness on a daily (minute by minute) basis:
My body is at war with me, and I am not winning the battle.
No matter how much “doctoring” or medication I throw into the battle, I am still losing.
There is no cure for my illness (to our present day knowledge).
Most days I will not be having a good day, even though others might not be able to tell.
Most people will never know the battle that I am facing.
Some people will even go as far as giving me a hard time because I did/said ______________ because they do not understand the battle that I am facing.
A select few will know some, and even a smaller circle of people will know the whole story.
I must remember that most (meaning all but a handful and even most of my family members) do not know the depth of what I am experiencing.
Some will ask how I am doing.
Most will get a generic answer.
A select few will get a few details (however, most of these few will only be interested in the surface details).
Only very few will look me in the eye (after I have paused) and tell me that they want the truth – these are the ones that are my closest support group (the ones that I know I cannot get away with the generic answer – well, sometimes I might, but eventually they will ask again and then they will really expect the truth).
Even fewer than those of my support group will know how/what to cook/bake for me.
This, in a sense, is to be expected, since most of my support group do not live with me on a 24/7 basis.
I even find it a challenge to cook/bake for myself, because I have to do it to survive.
Living life with a chronic (invisible) illness can have its challenges on other areas of life too:
Mental
Sometimes half (or a little over half) of my battle is mental.
My chronic illness affects my brain, my thinking faculties.
It will sometimes take more time for me to process information.
Other times, my brain will work just fine (and I sometimes amaze myself with my answers when my brain works).
Sometimes my brain cannot spit the correct words out of my mouth, so I am left fumbling for words or inserting the wrong word in a sentence.
Emotional
Exhaustion
Yes, this is not labeled “tired” or “sleep” – this is pure, utter exhaustion – which adds to fluctuation in emotions.
Stress
Having a chronic illness that does not deal with stress well can add to harried emotions.
Truth about Emotions
Emotions are God-given indicators of feelings and can be used right or wrong.
Controlling feelings/emotions can be more difficult with a chronic illness, but difficult does not mean it cannot be done.
Emotional Energy
For a few years now, there have been times where I do not even have emotional energy to show my emotions. Once, I heard about a situation that would have brought emotion. The emotion started to rise from the pit of my stomach, but it could not get any further because I had no emotional energy to release/express the emotion (it’s a really interesting feeling!).
Social
For my personality type, I am an introvert by nature. With that being said, I have had less and less energy to be able to handle big crowds of people (and sometimes a crowd is a few as 10 or 20 people).
I am a people-watcher. One might find me standing on a perimeter wall/area watching what is going on.
If I am stressed because of a crowd, I might move to a different (less busy) location.
If I am required to be in a crowd, I generally choose “safe” people by which to stand.
Safe people:
Usually those who know a lot of what I am going through with a chronic illness.
Someone who does not threaten my present mental or emotional state.
Someone who does not have flower scented perfume or cigarette smoke smell on them.
Physical
As the months go by, I find that I have less and less stamina to continue doing my daily “routine.”
There are times that I am finished grocery shopping and I park my car outside the house – and I sit in the car (usually with tears in my eyes) because I have no energy left to get my groceries in the house and put the groceries away.
There are times that I am walking from one place to another and stop in the middle of my journey because I ran out of energy.
The list could go on and on and on….
Spiritual
As with any person, I have spiritual highs and lows.
Highs:
I see God work through me as I invest in other peoples’ lives – especially those who have a chronic illness of their own.
I see how suffering in the Bible is not neglected (read I Peter and the Psalms).
I have those who God has providentially put in my life who biblically love me and continually point me to my King and my King’s truths.
Lows:
I have experiences which cause me to be wary of trusting others.
Truth: God is trustworthy. He also may choose to send others into my life to demonstrate true trustworthiness and God’s love.
I am a helper – thus my strength is my weakness. I find it difficult to ask for help.
Truth: God did not create me to be alone on my own little island. He has given me others to help me (and to see my need for asking for help – because I am stubborn and God sends me both stubborn friends who show me I need help and stubborn circumstances that force me to ask for help).
So, why this whole list of thoughts from a person with a chronic (invisible) illness? Why not? 😊 I would not wish my life on anyone else; however, I do know that my all-wise King chose me worthy enough to be given this challenge (some call it a trial). This knowledge is a comfort, because I know my King suffered everything for me (I Peter 3).
Sincerely,
A Daughter of the King
Elizabeth Lingle has made several overseas trips (countries in Africa and one country in Asia) to help out friends with hospitality and homeschooling. She has experienced life in both developing countries and a third-world country. Due to her health, she is currently stateside and is working as an administrative assistant for the Facilities Management Department at Maranatha Baptist University. She holds an Associate's Degree in Church Secretarial Studies from Ambassador Baptist College and a Bachelor's Degree in Interdisciplinary Studies from Maranatha Baptist University. She is over half way in her pursuit of a Graduate Degree in Nonprofit Administration. Even with all God has allowed in her life, she still seeks to invest in the people God brings into her life.
