Delivered from Sexual Sin
I was hopelessly stuck! Despair overwhelmed me as I realized I was powerless to deliver myself from addictive patterns of sin. Repeated attempts at “repenting” never brought a lasting change, and I struggled to believe that God would actually deliver me. I knew He could. But would He?
Growing up in a conservative Christian home, I appeared to be spiritually-minded and sensitive about my personal standards. But privately, my thinking and actions often contradicted my outward appearance.
When I was 11, my mother explained to me some of the changes to expect during puberty, though nothing about sex itself. I was way too embarrassed to want to talk about those things, yet at the same time, I was very curious. Rather than asking my parents something like, “Where do babies come from?” I decided to find out for myself.
First, I read some historical romance books. Although these were not graphic, they were definitely not helpful—particularly for a young teen. Later, I discovered a sex scene in a movie we had borrowed from the library. My parents were careful about the movies they selected, and they would quickly shut off any that contained unwanted “surprises.” But sometimes I would finish watching those movies when I was left at home by myself.
My access to sexual content increased after my family got the internet. I would take a laptop to my room in the evening, lock the door, and watch one movie after another—very late into the night. Even if I started out watching something decent, I would often click aimlessly on different links until I was viewing things that were very graphic. My curiosity about sex, the secrecy of using a laptop behind a closed door, and the numbing effect of the story lines of those movies all contributed to the weakening of my conscience.
Not surprisingly, the sexual content of the movies affected my thinking patterns. Throughout my teen years, I was habitually fantasizing about things that were inappropriate. I asked God to forgive me repeatedly, but it was not until I was an adult that I started to realize that I had a serious problem.
“I hear so many things about men and their thought life, but nothing about women,” I nervously shared with a teacher in college. This teacher was so kind to me without minimizing my wrongdoing. She said that in order to think right, I needed to not merely “have devotions,” but instead to completely devote myself to the Lord. However, I don’t recall there being much improvement in my devotional time or thinking habits.
Eight years later, I received additional counsel from my pastor and his wife, and they also emphasized studying God’s Word with the goal of knowing and loving Him better. When I told my pastor about watching inappropriate movies, I said I knew what I was doing didn’t make any sense. He responded, “This is not an argument the flesh would be impressed with. Sin does not have to make sense for it to be appealing.” He encouraged me to find someone to hold me accountable, so I tried, but was not successful. My time in the Word did not significantly improve either, and the pattern of sin remained unbroken.
I later sought help from Mary*, a certified biblical counselor. Mary asked me about different kinds of problems (in kind of a routine way) to see where I might be struggling. Right in the middle of her list of questions she said, “Have you been watching porn?” I started to shake my head no, then froze. Was I? I had never considered that what I had been watching could be considered pornography. It started to dawn on me that even though those movies were not what people would label “hard core porn,” they really were, for all practical purposes, a form of pornography. We had repeated counseling sessions after that about my thinking and viewing habits.
For a long time I was up and down, repeatedly tormented by a guilty conscience. In Psalm 32 and 38 David describes how even his body was affected by guilt from his sin. My own guilt seemed to aggravate digestive problems, and at one point I had a full-blown panic attack. I would do inappropriate things to relieve the stress, but I only ended up with even more guilt and anxiety.
One day, in a particularly bad mood, I went online deliberately looking for inappropriate content. I read things that were “the counsel of the ungodly” about masturbation, and to my shame, I followed that ungodly counsel.
While the Bible does not speak directly about masturbation, that does not mean it is an acceptable practice! There are two main things the Lord used to convict me personally:
First, masturbation is a deviation from the parameters God has given for sex. The Bible is very clear that sexual expression is only to be between a husband and wife (1 Cor. 7, Heb. 13:4). Being unmarried with strong sexual desires, being stressed out, being lonely, or any other reason we may come up with cannot justify engaging in self-gratification. God’s will for all of us is that we honor Him with our bodies (1 Cor. 6:19-20). It is critical that we accept God’s plan by faith, even when our feelings and our culture tempt us to think otherwise!
Second, masturbation hurts our relationship with God. It is terribly addictive, and people can become dependent on the feelings that come from it. The Bible teaches us that true believers “walk according to” the Holy Spirit, are spiritually minded, and are led by the Spirit (Rom. 8:1-11). We are not to be drunk with (controlled by) wine, but instead should be under the control (influence) of the Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18). There are many things besides alcohol that can cause someone to be “under the influence!” Sadly, we can be easily deceived into thinking we can “handle” certain sins. “This doesn’t affect anyone else” or “a little bit won’t hurt me” are terrible lies that can lead to an enslaving sin habit.
Even before I could articulate specific reasons for why masturbation is wrong, I grew convicted about what I was doing and took specific steps of action that I thought would keep me from returning to it. I prayed, “Lord, I don’t want to just stop this. I want You.” There really was a desire to not simply stop the sin, but to replace it with a close relationship with God.
However, I sensed that it was a powerful vice, so I reached out to Grace*, another biblical counselor who had a reputation for being committed to prayer. I told her that even if there was not any new information to share with me, I would appreciate her praying that I would turn my back on this sin and walk in a way that pleases the Lord.
But my good desires did not last, and I returned to the very sin that I thought I had permanently abandoned. Both Mary and Grace lovingly spent hours upon hours helping and praying for me. Yet for almost two years, I was stuck in a cycle of sin and unsuccessful attempts at repenting.
Eventually, Mary told me that there wasn’t anything new she could think of to share with me, but what I really needed was “a word from God.” She was not talking about new revelation or literally hearing God’s voice. Instead, I needed God to teach me through His Word in a way that was more than just information I assented to. I needed Him to bring deep, unforgettable conviction that would change me permanently. As the months went by, we both prayed that God would do this, yet I grew increasingly hopeless.
The fact that there was not lasting change in my actions was particularly concerning because even though Christians will sin, a true believer cannot continue in sin (Rom. 6). My own profession of faith in Christ was called into question because of how long this pattern of sin was going on.
One day, Grace said something that really stood out to me: “I think you need to confess the sin of unbelief.” Though I did not fully understand what that meant at the time, I knew I needed to give serious consideration to what she said.
Later that week, I was alone and in a terrible state spiritually and emotionally. I came to a point of utter despair and was so disgusted with myself. But God mercifully used His Word to work in my heart! The verse “having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof” (2 Tim. 3:5) suddenly came to my mind in a very powerful way—it was a deep conviction that I could not escape. I did have a good reputation (a form of godliness), but God was not in control of every area of my life. I had to face the fact that I was actually a “lover of pleasure rather than a lover of God.”
After the Lord brought this deep conviction to my heart, He mercifully brought to my mind, “He who comes to me I will in no wise cast out” (Jn. 6:37). Previously, I would often wonder if I had repented “well enough” for Him to forgive me (focusing too much on what I did). But the Lord helped me see that if I came humbly to Him, He would not turn me away. He truly would forgive just as He promised!
I realized that just as I had been told a few days earlier, I did need to “confess the sin of unbelief.” When I am hopeless, I am not believing that God is able and willing to deliver me.
The Lord graciously enabled me to believe and trust Him in a way that I never had before. With His help, I stepped out in faith, right when I felt the most vulnerable and personally hopeless.
I confessed many things to the Lord—not just specific actions, but also wrong attitudes that were behind the sinful actions. The worst attitude I had to confess was loving pleasure more than Jesus. There really is nothing more shameful than turning away from Jesus even right after remembering how He lovingly took the punishment for the very sin I was committing.
Only Jesus, the very One I directly sinned against, could cleanse me from the filth of my sinfulness. I had to completely abandon my own plans for how to improve myself and trust Him completely to change me and help me live for Him.
The Lord is so merciful! I am thankful for how He gave deep conviction, wonderful hope, and a brand-new ability to trust Him! My love for the Lord has continued to grow as I reflect on how He miraculously delivered me not only from an addictive habit (that alone was a miracle), but also from an ungodly mindset. Remembering what Jesus did for me, I am more motivated than ever to pursue holiness. And if I do sin, I run quickly to Him, knowing He will completely forgive me.
Dear friend, I don’t know what your own story is, but I am praying for anyone reading this who is personally struggling with secret sin. Don’t despair! There truly is hope in Christ, no matter how hopeless you may feel. I would urge you to:
Run quickly to the Lord! Agree with God that your sin is as bad as He says it is, and humbly seek His forgiveness.
Don't be guilty of the sin of unbelief! Trust that He will completely forgive you because of what Christ has done, not because of anything good in yourself.
Rehearse the Gospel frequently, remembering that a true believer is dead to sin, but alive in Christ (Rom. 6).
Read Ephesians 1:18-20 and Hebrews 13:20-21. Meditate on the amazing connection between the power God used to raise Jesus from the dead and the power that is available for us as believers. By faith, you can experience this wonderful resurrection power in your own life!
Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus . . . make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well-pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. (Heb. 13:20-21)
*not her real name