How Sin Thwarts God’s Design for Marriage

My heart breaks for the women who tell me their stories of marriage problems, discord, and even abuse. What is most concerning to discover as their stories unfold is the obvious failure to follow God’s design for marriage. There are many reasons for this breakdown, and in all reality, problems in a marriage are rarely one-sided. In counseling, I focus on the responsibilities of a wife and the changes that she can make on her part to correct the situation.

Most Christians will not - and should not - argue over God’s design for marriage being “one man and one woman for life” (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5-6). However, I have heard some contradicting views about a wife being submissive to her husband. Rarely do I hear women take issue with being her husband’s help-meet (Gen. 2:18) or even reverencing her husband (Eph. 5:33), but submission seems to suggest a certain inadequacy and inequality to many women. It may even be viewed as a curse, and some go as far as to blame Eve for our command to submit to our husbands. However, before sin entered the world, God established the principle of headship of the husband (Gen. 2:18-24; 1 Tim. 2:13). Adam and Eve had a beautiful marriage, devoted to each other, not tainted by selfishness or pride, and living in paradise. Then sin and its consequences entered the world, and marriage became more of a battlefield than a peaceful paradise.

Genesis 3:16 causes the controversy over Eve’s punishment: “Unto the woman He said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

Claudia Barba, in her book, The Role of a Lifetime: The Script God Wrote for Women clarifies that this verse was a prediction of the struggle women would have in marriage. Sin induced selfishness, provoking rebellion against authority. This inherited sin nature is clearly seen in Adam and Eve’s son, Cain. The words desire and rule are the same words used in Genesis 4:7 to describe Cain’s struggle with sin. The word picture is that this desire, or sin, is like a crouching animal ready to pounce. Claudia says,

“Even those who work diligently at having a marriage that follows a biblical pattern will find it tough, because a man’s inclination to dominate rather than lovingly lead, and a woman’s tendency to resist rather than defer are strong in our sinful natures.”

Further evidence that Eve’s submission to Adam was not a punishment is seen in our text: “as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24).

This was God’s plan from the beginning. Christ did not become head of the church out of punishment for our sins, but rather for remission of sins.

Anything outside of God’s design for marriage is headed for disaster. In our day and age, marriage is defined by our own personal beliefs and convictions, rather than God’s Holy Word.

Sadly, it is no longer a sacred institution based on our personal covenant with God to “love and to cherish until death do us part.” Even Christians, because of our sin nature, struggle to follow God’s instructions for marriage, and many have suffered because of it.

There are several reasons women struggle to submit. Some women have complained that they grew up in a very legalistic church where many rules were enforced upon women, nearing a domineering and chauvinistic oppression. Unfortunately, their response is a rebellious attitude of complete independence from male authorities, including their husbands. Some Christian women have made the choice to marry a man without considering his walk with the Lord, and then find it difficult to submit when he is not like-minded. Some women are taught that they must submit even in abusive situations. They believe that either the abuse will stop if they honor the Lord in their submission, or God will give the grace to endure the abuse. There are some women who think unfavorably about their husband’s ability to lead the family, and give reason why it would be detrimental to submit. Others just struggle with wanting to be in control, happily accepting the husband’s surrendering or shirking of his responsibility as head of the household.

If submission is a struggle for you, then let me invite you to view and learn God’s perspective of submission. This is part of our spiritual growth process - putting off old behaviors, renewing the mind to accept God’s perspective, and putting on new behaviors (Eph. 4:22-24). Submission does not imply an inferiority or lesser worth, and we know this to be true because of our greatest example: Jesus Christ. If any person that ever walked the earth deserved to do what he wanted, it was Christ. Yet he humbly submitted to the will of His Father (Matt. 20:25-28; Jn. 6:38; 8:29). Submission was a well thought-out and designed plan by God to establish order (1 Cor. 14:40). Submission is a voluntary willingness to place one’s self under the authority of another - by God’s command - and out of a desire to please the Lord. Submission is a continuous verb, meaning that it is not a one-time act, but continual (ongoing?). It is also required out of God’s love for His children.

Submission is commanded throughout Scripture:

Children to parents – Eph. 6:1-3

Wives to husbands – Eph.522; 1 Pet. 3:1

Church members to pastors – 1 Cor. 16:15-16; Heb. 13:17

Employees to employers – Eph. 6:5; Col. 3:22; 1 Pet. 2:19

Everyone to government – Rom. 13:1-5; 1 Pet. 2:13-14

All believers to each other – Eph. 5:21; 1 Pet. 5:5

Believers to God – Rom. 6:13; Js. 4:7

Let’s return to our text: “wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (v. 22). This does not mean that we are to submit to our husbands the same way that we submit to the Lord, although I do hope we can all agree on the importance of submitting to God. This verse tells us to submit to our husbands as service rendered to the Lord. We submit because of our love for God and our willing obedience to His Word.

We next see the reason for our submission, for the husband is the head of the wife (v. 23a). Our husband’s headship is compared to that of Christ’s headship over the church (v. 23b). We would never dream of suggesting that the church be the head over Christ. This passage clearly speaks to an order of authority, not to a woman’s inferiority to her husband. We are to recognize our husband’s position of leadership and respond to him accordingly without usurping his authority. One commentator stated plainly:

“There is nothing said of the wife’s abilities, talents, or worth; the fact that she submits to her own husband does not imply that she is inferior or less worthy in any way.”

Also notice that there are no qualifiers to the command to submit, except “in everything.” So, the husband does not have to pass an aptitude test or an intelligence test before his wife submits. It may be a fact that she is better qualified than he to lead in many ways, but she chooses to follow the Lord’s instruction by submitting to her husband’s leadership.

Oh, dear ladies, these wrong views of submission break my heart, and it is a practice that is called into question daily in our world. I know I have not adequately addressed the subject of abuse in this devotional, but I will say that we are never directed from God to suffer at the hands of an abuser. Please remove yourself if you are in an unsafe environment. Help can come, but only if you are safe from harm. Also, we are never directed to submit to any authority that directs us to act against God’s will (Acts 5:29).

Here are some ways to change the way we think about submitting to our authority;

• Go to God in prayer (Hab. 1:1-4).

• Remember that God is in control (Prov. 21:1).

• Recognize that God can use the leader’s failures for your good and His glory (Rom. 8:28-29, Gen. 50:20, 1 Pet. 3:1-6).

• Recognize that the difficulty will not be too much (1 Cor. 10:13).

• Thank God for the leadership over you (Eph. 5:20; 1 Thes. 5:18).

• Place your trust in God, not the authority (Hab. 3:17-19, Ps. 118:6,8).

• Depend on God’s grace for help (2 Cor. 9:8).

Here are some things we can do to change our perspective on submitting to authority.

Be an example of a godly response (Phil. 2:5, 1 Pet. 2:21, 1 Jn. 2:6). If you do not submit to your authority, then you lose your influence for others to submit to you. “Do as I say, not as I do,” is a poor example.

Pray for those in authority over you (1 Tim. 2:1-2).

Honor those in authority because of their position (1 Pet. 2:17, 1 Tim. 6:1-2). Speak kindly to them and about them, and refuse to listen to slander against them. Be respectful and support them and their decisions, follow their instructions, and work wholeheartedly to accomplish their goals.

Concentrate on your responsibility (Matt. 7:3-5, Rom. 2:1). Don’t concentrate more on your authority’s relationship to God than your own. Use the failures of your authority to allow God to develop that very character trait in you.

Respond as Christ did (1 Pet. 2:21-23). Even when your authority is wrong, it is it still biblically correct for you to have the right response. It is to your discredit to respond incorrectly. The power of the Holy Spirit makes it possible to respond righteously. Jesus understands the struggle for you to act obediently to failed leadership (Heb. 4:15-16).

Return good for evil (Rom. 12:21). You are not the Holy Spirit in someone else’s life.

More Truth

For additional reading, this is a great little article explaining further the concept of submission and to whom we ought submit. https://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-submissive.html

Matthew 7:1-5 tells us to examine our own actions to see what we need to change. Let me challenge you to honestly evaluate your thoughts, words, and actions regarding submission. Confess your failures in this area and make a plan of action to change. Talk with your husband about God’s design for marriage. If you have struggled with submission, then go to him humbly and ask forgiveness.

Read through these passages to understand better the submission of Jesus to His Heavenly father: Matthew 20:25-28 and 26:39; Luke 2:51; John 6:38, 8:29, 14:31, and 17:1-5; Philippians 2:1-11; and 1 Peter 2:23.