Awkward Silence
When you meet someone new, you usually exchange pleasant, yet mandatory, questions. Here are some that I get.
· Where did you grow up?
· How long have you lived here?
· How long have you been married?
· How many children do you have?
After I answer that last question, there comes a split second of awkward silence. I have just answered with my usual line, “The Lord has given us one daughter, Anna.” I know the question in the front of their mind, but they are too polite to ask it. I know that they want to ask, “Why don’t you have more children?” The short answer is that it is because it has not been part of God’s plan for our lives. Today, I’d like to open my heart to you and give you the long answer.
When Greg and I got married, we never really talked about how many children we would have. I am the youngest of 5 children; Greg grew up with 3 siblings We both loved growing up in busy, fun households. I do remember thinking that for sure I wanted an even number of children because I had heard so much about the “middle child syndrome,” and I didn’t want to have to deal with that issue! But that was as far as my thinking went.
We were married for 5 years before the Lord gave us Anna. I loved being pregnant and loved everything about being a mom! (I didn’t mind getting up at night…mostly because I usually slept through Anna’s crying. Poor Greg!) Anna will be 21 this summer and still doesn’t have any siblings. I am ok with that (today) because I know that my life is in God’s hands. I haven’t always felt that way about it, though.
Several years ago, the Lord showed me that my desire for more children had become an idol of my heart. I was miserable because I felt that God was withholding something good from me. I felt as if He were punishing me, and I had done nothing wrong. (The Lord has clearly shown me that that thinking does not line up with Isaiah 64:6. I don’t deserve any good gifts from Him.) I was very angry at God.
Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” God knew the desire of my heart was to have more children. I felt as if He wasn’t fulfilling His part of that verse. As I look back on those days, I acted a lot like a spoiled little girl who didn’t get her way. I’m thankful that God lovingly continued to work in my heart and eventually brought me to the point of yielding my heart to Him. I came to the point where I could say that the true desire of my heart was for God to have His will in my life. (As I type these words, I am scared that it will sound as if this is all because of something wonderful that I did. It is truly the Lord’s teaching and strengthening that any of these steps were possible.)
It is difficult to write about the struggle that took place for me to yield my will to the Father. I knew that He was a loving God, and I knew that His way was best. I also knew that He had a perfect road map for my life. Why would I want to take my own path? At the end of my struggle, I promised God that I would no longer pray for a child. The desire for more children was still there, but I didn’t want to put myself in the place of temptation. I didn’t want to jeopardize my walk with Him and bring back that selfish focus.
Shortly after all this took place, our mixed ensemble at church sang a powerful song. I’m not sure, but it may be one of my very favorites. The words to Trust in God, My Soul have been such an encouragement to me over the years. I pray that when I get to heaven and look into His holy face, He can point to my life and say, “Here is a woman that yielded her will to Mine. She is a trophy of my grace.”
Trust in God, My Soul Word by Frances Havergal and David Burke
Oh, Lord, I trust Your grace; It is enough, enough for me. In ev’ry trial I shall trace Its all sufficiency.
And, Lord, I trust Your strength; In You alone I shall be strong: My failing flesh will learn at length A daily triumph song.
Oh, Lord, I trust Your Word; It gives me hope and light to see. The path ahead, tho’ now obscured, Will open wide for me.
Oh, Lord, I trust Your love; I feel its warm and changeless glow; My life or death shall only prove Its everlasting flow.
Chorus: Oh, trust in God, my soul, And look in to His face. Oh, trust in God, my soul; His holy will embrace. Then I shall stand complete and whole, A trophy of His grace As I trust God.
